With the decision to start this blog, I pledged to myself, and God, that my pencil would be dedicated to helping others deepen their faith and hope in God, believe in their God given, and driven, individual purpose in life, and try to help heal their worldly scars with the balm of God’s promises. I also vowed that I’d let God, by what He inspired or let happen in my life, determine the thoughts I would share. Some messages are easy to write as they flow from the joy-filled, beautiful side of life. Others pour forth from tears of heartbreak and are written with blurry eyes but limpid vision of God’s assurances.
Thirteen years ago, we expanded our four legged family membership and presented Hubby with Corkie Doodle Carr. From the moment Doodle Boy bounced into the family, everyone knew he was an original and one impossible of duplicating. His hair was straight. He was totally claustrophobic. After he pawed his way through the bottom of his crate, we knew he was not to be boxed in by any of life’s constraints. Though every morning he begged to get into the car with Boss Man and ride down the mountain to fetch the newspaper, the mailbox was as far as his bravery lasted. Go an inch beyond the mailbox post and the car began being flooded with drool and rocked by his shaking. Chasing his pop squeak was life at its best. Nothing topped it. Seriously, Boss Man could have a freshly grilled steak in one hand and his pop squeak in the other, and for Corkie Doodle the choice was emphatically the pop squeak. Each and every time he’d feed his passion before his belly. In his post eye surgery days, while mandatorily wearing the “cone of shame”, we were astounded to find him standing stuck in a corner of the room. Walking into the wall was an accident he failed to realize could be corrected by simply backing up. To this day, we laugh wondering how long he had been standing there waiting for our rescue. Maybe Corkie Doodle wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box, but his heart was the biggest and sweetest one ever created.
Doodle Boy believed he had a job. While hubby was on earth, it was to stand behind his Boss Man and carry out his asks. When Hubby went home to heaven, the pecking order changed. Corkie Doodle believed his job was now to assume the alpha role and protect our family left behind. His loving heart and untiring desire to please were his chosen means to carry out his job. For all our family, Doodle Boy held the meaning and honor of being our last physical bond on earth with Hubby.
This Holyday Season turned so bittersweet when, like his Boss Man, Corkie Doodle went home to heaven amidst the Christmas celebrations. So with tears, not happy hearted words, I share this message. My being is not alone in loss this Holyday Season. In fact, the ranks of hearts enduring heartbreak is overwhelming. To each and every one of you, I stand, once more, not in front as a leader but beside you as a sister.
Our souls know our loved ones, be they two or four legged, are in heaven resurrected. However, our hearts are broken and long to still hold on. Loss of worldly life leaves a huge hole in our hearts. We so deeply long for these holes to be filled up. May I offer a different perspective, one from my own huge hole of loss. The choice is not mine to be able to fill either the hole of Hubby’s or Doodle Boy’s worldly death. Though this is impossible, it is in my power (with God’s strength and grace) to let go of my “filled full” want and cling to God’s now “Full Filled” promise. When, more than at Christmas, should we hold fast to the words of John 3:16. “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
My ability to hold onto steadfast faith and hope comes from signs – signs, I believe, sent straight from God in heaven. As our family drove away from the veterinary hospital without Corkie Doodle, the radio was echoing the song “Scars” by I Am They. How clearly I heard God’s assurance that it is from our worldly scars that we know His heart and the way to everlasting victory. Corkie Doodle had not lost, but won, his race.
The morning after losing Corkie Doodle, I forced myself to go unlock my mailbox and empty it before the day’s new arrivals. There sat an unexpected box from our family’s most cherished middle school teacher. Instantly, I wondered if whatever was inside was from the heart of Mrs. VanderSlice and, also, the hand of God. It was.
Paperwhites, one of Hubby’s favorites, filled the shipping box!! Oh, the memory of him out in the dark garage getting his paperwhites ready to grow, then ready to blossom in the sunroom, and finally putting them out of our sight till their time to bloom again. And, bloom again and again Hubby’s paperwhites always did. So also can, and must, our hearts bloom again after letting go of those we love. But to bloom again, our hearts, just like paperwhites, need to be tended. Though our roots seem buried in dormancy, and we feel isolated in darkness, our life on earth still has God’s future purpose. To flower into our purpose, we need to place ourselves in SONshine and let ourselves be open to, and blossom into, Christ’s light, comfort and love.
Sometimes, I think the hardest credential for being a Christian is reflecting the belief of life after death when God has opened this gate to our loved one. As bitter a pill it is to swallow, if we are to believe in the Resurrection, we need to accept worldly death. Additionally, we don’t really believe in Resurrection, if we feel death is an ending.
The world, when life on earth ends, says “Rest in peace”; but not Grammy. Grammy’s soul cries out, “Doodle Boy, no longer must you rest. Run, Corkie Doodle. Run. Run fast. Run free. Run hard to Boss Man. Tell him he has eight earth time years of pop squeak playing to catch up on!!! Your job with Grammy is done, and no pup could have done it better. Your love forever flows through my heart and my love forever through yours. No need to worry any longer about me. Grammy’s working through the tears and holding onto the rainbow. Your pain is gone. So, run free, Corkie Doodle. Run free!!!”
Uplifted in a Broken Down World 